Some of the best Ordinary Attorney jokes I have ever come across. I do not know why Ordinary Attorneys get such sarcastic humor dealt their way. Of course, I do not personally know any attorneys who would counter the humorous thoughts that their jokes would portray.
The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:
1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
2. The medical researchers don’t become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won’t do.
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked “Give it to me straight. How long have I got?” The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said “Call for my lawyer.” When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied “Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I’d check out the same way.”
Question: How many lawyers can you place on the point of a needle?
Answer: Ten, if you stand them on their heads.
Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low-grade Motel 6-type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, “I’m really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations.” St. Peter replied, “We have over a hundred Popes here, and we’re really very bored with them. We’ve never had a lawyer.”
Question: What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school?
Answer: An offer you can’t understand.
Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors. Bad News: There were three empty seats.
Question: What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?
Answer: Not enough sand.
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed “Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man.” The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked “Mommy, why did they bury two men there?”
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, “Remember that, on the sixth day, God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.” The engineer replied, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.” Then, the lawyer spoke up, “Yes, but who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?”
A Bar Association charter flight was hijacked by terrorists. When the terrorists made their press release, they said that, until their demands were met, they would release one lawyer per hour.
A man went to a brain surgeon to request a brain transplant . He noted prices were different for brains available from various donors. A doctor’s brain was $500, a banker’s brain was $1500, and a scientist’s brain was $2500. Then, he noticed in a far recess of the shelf, a jar marked with a price tag of $50,000. When he inquired about the unusually high price, he was told, “Oh, that’s a lawyer’s brain–it’s never been used!”
Question: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
Answer: All the information you need–but you can’t understand a word of it.
1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
2. The medical researchers don’t become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won’t do.
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked “Give it to me straight. How long have I got?” The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said “Call for my lawyer.” When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied “Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I’d check out the same way.”
Question: How many lawyers can you place on the point of a needle?
Answer: Ten, if you stand them on their heads.
Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low-grade Motel 6-type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, “I’m really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations.” St. Peter replied, “We have over a hundred Popes here, and we’re really very bored with them. We’ve never had a lawyer.”
Question: What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school?
Answer: An offer you can’t understand.
Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors. Bad News: There were three empty seats.
Question: What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?
Answer: Not enough sand.
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed “Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man.” The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked “Mommy, why did they bury two men there?”
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, “Remember that, on the sixth day, God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.” The engineer replied, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.” Then, the lawyer spoke up, “Yes, but who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?”
A Bar Association charter flight was hijacked by terrorists. When the terrorists made their press release, they said that, until their demands were met, they would release one lawyer per hour.
A man went to a brain surgeon to request a brain transplant . He noted prices were different for brains available from various donors. A doctor’s brain was $500, a banker’s brain was $1500, and a scientist’s brain was $2500. Then, he noticed in a far recess of the shelf, a jar marked with a price tag of $50,000. When he inquired about the unusually high price, he was told, “Oh, that’s a lawyer’s brain–it’s never been used!”
Question: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
Answer: All the information you need–but you can’t understand a word of it.
One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, “Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?” The student replied, “Here’s an orange.” The professor was livid. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!” The student then recited, “Okay, I’d tell him, ‘I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…”
A quote attributed to one of America’s founders, John Adams, in the play 1776: “I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, two men are called a law firm, and three or more become a Congress.”
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: “In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world–nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in the Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away…” Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it, and begins to smoke it, saying: “In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away…”. Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it.
Question: How many lawyer jokes are there?
Answer: Only three. The balance are documented case histories.
A quote attributed to one of America’s founders, John Adams, in the play 1776: “I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, two men are called a law firm, and three or more become a Congress.”
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: “In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world–nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in the Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away…” Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it, and begins to smoke it, saying: “In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away…”. Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it.
Question: How many lawyer jokes are there?
Answer: Only three. The balance are documented case histories.
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