The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:
1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
2. The medical researchers don’t become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won’t do.

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked “Give it to me straight. How long have I got?” The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said “Call for my lawyer.” When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied “Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I’d check out the same way.”

Question: How many lawyers can you place on the point of a needle?
Answer: Ten, if you stand them on their heads.

Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low-grade Motel 6-type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, “I’m really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations.” St. Peter replied, “We have over a hundred Popes here, and we’re really very bored with them. We’ve never had a lawyer.”

Question: What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school?
Answer: An offer you can’t understand.

Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors. Bad News: There were three empty seats.

Question: What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?
Answer: Not enough sand.

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed “Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man.” The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked “Mommy, why did they bury two men there?”

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, “Remember that, on the sixth day, God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.” The engineer replied, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.” Then, the lawyer spoke up, “Yes, but who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?”

A Bar Association charter flight was hijacked by terrorists. When the terrorists made their press release, they said that, until their demands were met, they would release one lawyer per hour.

A man went to a brain surgeon to request a brain transplant . He noted prices were different for brains available from various donors. A doctor’s brain was $500, a banker’s brain was $1500, and a scientist’s brain was $2500. Then, he noticed in a far recess of the shelf, a jar marked with a price tag of $50,000. When he inquired about the unusually high price, he was told, “Oh, that’s a lawyer’s brain–it’s never been used!”

Question: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
Answer: All the information you need–but you can’t understand a word of it.

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, “Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?” The student replied, “Here’s an orange.” The professor was livid. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!” The student then recited, “Okay, I’d tell him, ‘I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…”

A quote attributed to one of America’s founders, John Adams, in the play 1776: “I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, two men are called a law firm, and three or more become a Congress.”

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: “In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world–nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in the Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away…” Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it, and begins to smoke it, saying: “In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away…”. Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it.

Question: How many lawyer jokes are there?
Answer: Only three. The balance are documented case histories.

     …I CAN READ!

In the case of Philipsborn Irrevocable Insurance Trust v. Avon Capital (United States District Court for the Northern District of Illinois, Eastern Division), 2013 U.S. Dist. LEXIS 163912, the Court made some interesting observations when the subject of “Jurisdiction” came up concerning whether or not the Trust was a Legal Entity. We will be quoting extensively from the record, but not too extensively that you won’t read the entire case for yourselves. It is only eight pages, but it is VERY interesting reading for anyone who stands put on a Trust NOT being a legal entity.

     BACKGROUND OF THE CASE

“The case was filed originally as a contract dispute between Palintiff Thomas D. Philipsborn Irrevocable Trust (‘the Trust’) and Defendant Avon Capital, LLC.” A third party Defendant Financial Life Service (FLS) “challenged the courts jurisdiction that the Trust is not a legal entity, and thus has no capacity to sue or be sued.” And so the Trustee sought to join the suit as the Plaintiff. “FLS, however, asserts that because the Trust in incapable of bringing suit, the Court did not have subject-matter jurisdiction when it issued its prior rulings. If that is the case, this Court would be required to vacate those rulings.”

     The Court Analyzes the Jurisdiction

“As part of the  ‘irreducible constitutional minimum of standing,’ the Plaintiff must have suffered an injury-in-fact which is concrete and particularized (cites excluded). The injury requirement is satisfied only if the party seeking review is itself among the injured. (cites excluded) The party invoking federal jurisdiction bears the burden of establishing standing. (cite excluded) FLS’s Motion raises two questions: (1) whether a trust is capable of suffering an injury sufficient to meet the requirements of Article III, and (2) whether the Trust suffered an injury that wouldsustain this Court’s jurisdiction over the prior motions. The Court is not aware of any case that has analyzed whether a trust recognized under state law – a mere collection of property – has the capacity to suffer in injury-in-fact. When a case is brought inadvertently by a trust instead of the trustee, the usual practice is for the court to dismiss the case and allow an amended pleading to reflect that the trustee has joined the suit, thereby resolving any standing issues before anything substantial happens in the case. (cites not included) In this case however, this issue was not raised until after the parties had litigated for more than two years and the Court had issued several rulings. The standing issue calls those rulings into question.

“To analyze a trust’s capacity to suffer an injury, this Court must first address underlying principles of trust law. The word ‘trust’ can carry different meanings in different situations, but it refers generally to ‘a fiduciary relationship in which one person holds a property interest, subject to an equitable obligation to keep or use that interest for the benefit of another.” Bogert’s Trusts and Estates, Ch. 1, sec. 1; see also, Restatement (Third) of Trusts, section 2. A trust relationship requires trust property, or res. Sometimes the words ‘trust’ or ‘trust estate’ refer specifically to the property, and sometimes ‘trust’ can refer to the set of relationships between property, trustees, and beneficiaries. (cites excluded)

“As a general principle, ‘a trust is not a juristic person and the trustee is the only party entitled to bring suit’ on behalf of the trust. (cite excluded) For example, courts have explained that ‘historically, a trust estate was not a juridical entity, hence the observation that a suit by strangers to the trust must be brought against the trustees thereof individually and not against the fictional entity. (cites excluded) Federal courts follow this doctrine by holding that lawsuits must be brought in the name of the trustee, administrator, or executor because trusts are not the ‘real party in interest.’ (cites excluded) But just because a trust is not a juridical entity – and thus not the real party in interest – does not mean that a trust is not an entity at all, and that it is incapable of suffering an injury. The Federal Rules of Civil Procedure do not answer whether Article III permits a federal court to hear a suit brought by a trust.

“The Supreme Court has explained that even though a trust is ‘an abstraction,’ it is ‘sometimes dealt with as though it had a separate existence.‘ (Greenough v. Tax Assessors of City of Newport, 331 U.S. 486, 493, 67 S. Ct. 1400, 91 L. Ed. 1621 (1947). When it comes to taxes, a trust is a separate entity because ‘Congress has seen fit so to deal with the trust.’ (Id. at 493-94). Trusts can lose money or have losses attributed to them for tax purposes – the sorts of injuries that one would go to federal court to correct, if necessary. See, Anderson v. Wilson, 289 U.S. 20, 26-27 (1933)

“Trusts are treated similarly in the ERISA context. ERISA provides that ‘an employee benefit plan may sue and be sued under this subchapter as an entity.” 29 U.S.C. section 1132(d)(1). Like an ERISA benefit plan with its beneficiaries, administrators, and benefit providers, a trust involves a set of obligations between other entities: the trustees, property, and beneficiaries… At least in the tax and ERISA contexts, trusts (or similar entities) can maintain suits in federal court, which means they must be capable of suffering injuries and establishing standing. This Court sees no reason why Article III would require the Court to distinguish state law trusts. Thus, a trust recognized by state law can suffer an injury-in-fact.“

     My Little Comment

Although I do not know how to do legal research on par with an Ordinary Attorney, I am combing through more cases, mainly federal, along this line. I have read enough of these to know that someone needs to do a little more intensive and extensive and exhaustive studying. I have honestly tried to study these cases more intensively myself,…but I just get a headache. So instead, I just read them to see what they say. I know it sounds simple, but when one is “already defeated,” why try harder?

The Bible Story of Zacchaeus, the Wee, Little Man

There is a true story in the Bible in Luke, chapter 19 about a man who wanted to see Jesus. Because he was so “little of stature,” the Bible says that he “ran before, and climbed up into a sycomore tree” to see Jesus. He also had a greater view of everyone else (“the press”). He supposed that he would see Jesus better, but Jesus was there to see him. Would it have mattered to Jesus had Zacchaeus been in the tree or behind the press? Probably not. Jesus was going to Zacchaeus’ house anyway. So, why did Zacchaeus have to climb up on that 28-year-old tree? Poor tree. Zacchaeus dug his heels in to the trunk, clawed his way to the first branch, then to the second, and up onto the third branch, with his legs straddling that third branch, waiting to see the throng pass by under him. What a great vantage point he had. Waiting to see if a 33-year-old Jesus had a balding spot, and watching all those “short” people jumping up to get a glimpse of the Savior. He must have felt like BJOC (big Jew on campus).

The Application of Zacchaeus, the Wee, Little Man

Lots of people today think that they can use 28-year-old established trees to climb up on and make themselves look larger than they really are. They do not have the character to allow time and circumstances to mold them or their ministry into what the Lord wants it to be. They usually take the short cut, climb on the backs of established trees, and try to see Jesus. But in the long run, the Lord will still come right to them and say, “Make haste, and come down” off that 28-year-old tree. I’m paraphrasing now, “Zacchaeus, stand on your own two feet. I, your Lord, will judge you according to what you have done.” Verse 8 says, “Zacchaeus stood.” No longer needing that 28 year old tree to climb upon to look taller than he really was, Zacchaeus finally stood on his own merits, and not the merits of a 28-year-old tree that he Lord had blessed through all the storms and winds of life.

The Time I Could Have Been Zacchaeus, the Wee, Little Man

Years ago, a former Associate Pastor of a large church in Indiana called me. He first apologized to me for believing all the lies, rumors, and innuendoes someone else had been spreading about me. I accepted his apology and said it was alright, many others had called me in the same way. I never held a grudge or wished ill on anyone. He stated that basically the same thing had happened to him. He proceeded to tell me the story of his banishment from the “kingdom.” He said that the Lord had led him to write a book against the pastor who had excommunicated him, and he asked me if I would write a chapter in that book. I immediately said, “No.” I told him that I would never write anything negative about a current pastor of a church.

After several years, that current pastor resigned from his church and moved 1000 miles away. But when he did, he did not join a local church in his area. This was something this pastor would have excoriated any past member of his church had they done the exact same thing. “When you move to a different area, join a church, and become active in that church!” Interesting how men suddenly change their Biblical beliefs when it comes to their own circumstances, almost as if they were above the Bible and their own teaching. It was only at that time, when this former pastor had too much time on his hands, he started spreading more things about me, was he stopped in his tracks by other pastors who disagreed with his spreading discord about a current pastor of a church (me). I am still thankful for those pastors who took the grief for me and struck back against such denominational tyranny, and a denominational tyrant. Still, I held back any “Zacchaeusism.” “Let another man praise thee, and not thine own mouth; a stranger, and not thine own lips (Proverbs 27:2)

Zacchaeus’ attempt to improve their stature by self-proclamation. They use words (incorrectly, I might add) like “Author,” when they are nothing like an author. Just because a person writes a book or two, it does not make them an author. The true definition of author is one who writes as a profession. I have written five books, but would never consider myself an author. But living their lives in their own subjective world, Zacchaeus’ see themselves as much more important than they really are. Now, the real Zacchaeus stated, “If I have taken any thing from any man by false accusation, I restore him fourfold.” Notice how the Zacchaeus’ of life are such braggers. Like saying, “If any man can show me where I am wrong, I will repent.” They love the hypothetical word “if.” Jesus rightly tells these Zacchaeus’ to “come down.” “Come down” off your high horse; you are merely a man.

Zacchaeus’ attempt to improve their stature by belittling others. Most people realize that there are two ways to be considered righteous. One way is to simply become righteous by humbling ourselves and receiving grace from God. The other way is by tearing down others so that we are the ones left standing taller. They really do not have a ministry to others. That is why they sit around for hours upon endless hours convincing themselves what they do is important. One man belittled my legal knowledge, and my legal research knowledge, so I pointed out with legal authority that he used a legal writing anathema, which only made him mad at me. What a Wee, Little Man. One would think that he would have thanked me. Nope. Never a kind word.

Zacchaeus, what a Wee, Little Man.

 Early Holiday Cheerfulness

I just got out of the hospital with a pretty serious condition. I had a stone blocking the bile duct from my liver to my intestine. Thus the effects were slowly getting worse and there were many tests which narrowed the diagnosis down to a blockage in my bile duct. When they first told me I had a problem with my bile duct, my first comment was, “Then I can just go home and do it myself?” The docs (three of them) looked at me with the same misunderstanding that I get from a certain attorney at times, and said, “No!” I told them all, “Hey, if it’s a duct problem, I have a role of duct tape at home that I think can just wrap around it and take care of it.” One doctor laughed out loud, while the other two turned and glared at him that this was too serious to laugh about. I sure wish people would lighten up some (Hear that Mr. Attorney?).

     They Called me Mellow Yellow

Another effect was that I was turning yellow. Nearly every doctor and nurse coming in to check on me would ask my wife, “Is he yellow?” She would concur with their diagnosis. I could not see myself to tell if I was turning yellow or not, but my calculation skills were getting better, along with my marshal arts reflexes and my ping pong. But the very next doctor in to see me did not ask my wife, he just stared at me and said, “You’re Yellow!” I retorted, “I am NOT a coward!” Funny that he apologized. I just smiled at him.

Well, they got the stone and I am doing very well. Resting peacefully, alone in my thoughts and reflections. When I just wrote “alone in my thoughts and reflections,” all my enemies just gasped desperately. They know that it is best to keep me non-thinking and non-reflecting. Several of them (I get this mainly from the network of ELC Spies I send out who all have tentacles) pray that I stay too busy during the day to have even one thought. What they do not know is that God sometimes disables my body through pain in order to get me to jumpstart my thinking process again. Spending several hurtful days (thankful for vicodin) in the hospital brought out many thoughts of cordiality toward all those who have named themselves as my enemy. Please understand, I do not consider myself anyone’s enemy. I love all the brethren. So, I wanted to bring a blog of cheer (a “nog-blog” if you will) to one of those self-declared enemies of mine.

     Ben’s Twelve Days of Christmas Cheer

So, here is my 12 Days of Christmas Cheer song for one fine Christian Attorney to wish him well this wonderful season of celebration. Sing along if it will make you cheery. I will have the first verse, so that you can get the gist of the song, and then list the other 12 Days of My Personal Wish Gifts to him so that you and 11 of your friends can get together and sing this to brighten your day.

“On the first Day of Christmas I gave Austin Attorney… An Ordinary Trust that’s not an Entity.”

“On the Twelfth Day of Christmas I gave Austin Attorney… 12 ELC Spies, 11 Lordship Pastors, 10 Paying Churches, 9 Prayer Warriors, 8 Months of Smiling, 7 Days Non-blogging, 6 66 Erasor, 5 Oh One C Threeeeeee, 4 Mocking Men, 3 Books Sold, 2 Sarcastic Jabs, and An Ordinary Trust that’s NOT and Entity.”

May God Bless One and All this Festive Season